Confessions of a Badass Woman

Someone told me once that I was a badass woman and I laughed. I mean…I guess I know what they were trying to say to me. Like a hug and a high five for getting up every day to slay the dragons of single parenthood and all that goes with that. A nod to my naturally driven personality. And I appreciated the encouragement. The way life unfolded for me left me few options other than to step up and out and make things happen no matter how tired I was. And I’ve done my best.

But can I confess that I’m reaching a chapter in my life now where I don’t really want to be a badass woman anymore? I’m feeling ready to lay that burden down and pass the torch, so I can go create stuff and putter in my garden. Move slower. Spend more quiet moments in solitude. Just simply be.

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Transcript

Laura Wakefield: 0:07

As a recovering overachiever, I have a confession to make. I don't want to be a badass anymore. And I think that's okay. Welcome to the joy Felicity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Wakefield. Somebody told me once that I was a badass woman. And I kind of had to laugh, because I never really thought of myself that way. But when I pondered on it, I knew kind of what they meant, I can recognize that I've tended to be a bit of an overachiever. In many ways in my life, I have a huge family that I manage as a single mom, I generally have worked multiple jobs to bring home the bacon, I've traveled, I've danced, I've always been ambitious, with a lot of internal drive, my mom used to say that she never had to get after me to get good grades, because I was just kind of wired that way, with an internal sense of competitiveness and desire to succeed. So I'm very proud of the things that I've accomplished in my life. But recently, though, as I'm getting a little bit older, I feel myself changing inside, softening, slowing down, refocusing my priorities, I have to confess that there are some games that I no longer have the will to win. One of them is the rat race, nope, going forward, the rats can keep that trophy. As I get older, I really don't care anymore about professional accolades, or being at the top of the class or the company or the list. I don't really want to spend my life perpetually running. I'm kind of moving into meandering mode these days. And I'm quite contented there. I'm increasingly aware of my own mortality. As several friends and close acquaintances and family members have passed away in recent years, it's making me realize that I want to be sure that I truly live for however long I have left to live on this earth. And to figure out what that means for me. I want to nurture relationships and experiences over external accomplishments. If something steals my piece, it no longer feels worth the effort. Now, I still have many interests in pursuits, I always will. But they're more confined to activities that fuel my passions and creativity, I finally made the move down here to Florida to the beach, because that is a huge fuel spot. For me, it's a recharge place for me, for all of those creative pursuits. I'm just for peace. Generally, in my life, the ocean has always been that for me. So I actually moved my family down to be closer to it. That's how important this way of thinking and living is becoming to me now that I will sacrifice other things, in order to have the things that matter most. I want to write, I still love to dance down here. I haven't figured out a place to do that yet. But hopefully I will. But I have a lot of artistic things that I want to explore inside of myself, and share with other people now. And I haven't been giving myself the time to do those things. While I've been caught up in the rat race. So I'm kind of stepping off of that hamster wheel now a rat wheel or whatever we want to use in this analogy. And I'm going to kind of pass the torch on that to some others now that that wants to still be running that and let them win. I don't care anymore. And part of me wonders, does this just mean that I'm losing my motivation or my drive? I don't think so. Exactly. I'm just re channeling it in new directions that have nothing to do with any kind of external approval or validation. It's all coming from within myself and within my family and close relationships and what matters there. Another one is the chaos competition. Have you ever noticed that society praises and respect stress? Even though stress is actually killing us as humans? It's kind of weird, isn't it? As if the busier we are, the more value we have as people I lived in this way of thinking for so very long, but I soundly reject it now. Chaos does not equal worth or value. Ironically, it doesn't even usually equal increased productivity. It does add up to physical illness, mental health conditions and strange relationships. No, thank you. I will politely pass from now on. I still work very hard at the things I care about. But I'm simply more selective with how many directions I try to go at once. And that again, can be easily misinterpreted by other people. Have you noticed that people will actually compete almost to prove that they're the most stressed out one in the group if somebody throws down a story about a stressor that they are living at the moment it, everybody will jump immediately on board to tell how their situation was even worse than that and wait till you hear the story I have to tell. It's a very strange dynamic that once you start paying attention to it, you'll notice it more and more. And that goes along with kind of the other race that I don't want to win anymore. And that's the who has it hardest war. It's a really funny thing we do as people we compete for the prize of who has had it the worst. Why do we do this? I have no idea. But it's true. You see it every day. Just listen. Next time a woman mentions that she's pregnant, as the story start to roll in from everywhere about the horrible birth stories that people have experienced. What in the world? Are we trying to improve when we do that? And and why would we throw all that stuff at this poor woman who's just said she's pregnant and tell her all the ways it's going to be awful, and and all the terrible things that we've ever heard that have happened, and that have happened to us. But it somehow makes us feel significant? I think that we're the strongest or tougher than everybody else, because of what we've been through. Does the shock value of our story make us feel more significant, or more special or unique? I don't know that I don't want to play anymore. I have been through many, many, many hard things in my life. And I do talk about them. Sometimes when I feel like it's irrelevant. But I try these days to redirect my thoughts toward my blessings and opportunities, instead of toward my traumas. I forget sometimes, but I'm working on it. Happiness breeds more happiness I've discovered. So I hope to cultivate as much of that as possible, regardless of my circumstances. And that's not to minimize the difficult things that happen in our lives. And I'm not by any means saying that we shouldn't discuss them, or talk about them. I'm talking about this dynamic. And you know what I mean, of almost trying to prove to the world, that somehow we've had it the hardest, start paying attention in your conversations, and you'll start to see these things. This martyrdom mentality that we seem to celebrate today in our world, why don't we do that? I'm trying to make sense out of it for myself, because I have played this game as well, for many years. Maybe if we can convince ourselves that our lives are really rough, that gives us a bit of a free pass on bad behavior sometimes, or maybe it gives us excuses as to why we haven't achieved things that we feel that we should have. Or maybe we feel more important, when we can win at that because we're not winning at other things. Or maybe it's just a product of trying to trauma bond with other people. We hear that term a lot these days about trauma bonding. And it's actually a very intoxicating experience, to discuss all of your problems with people and get all this validation from them. Now, this is different trauma. bonding is different from actual bonding with people that are close to you, and getting the support and help that you need. I would never discourage anybody from doing that. I'm talking about the sort of incessant public displays of our trauma that we feel sometimes compelled to do, even beyond what would be socially appropriate or necessary for our healing, almost as if we were our traumas, and our victimhood as badges of honor somehow out there. And what that tends to do is keep those things front and center in our lives. When we're focused on our stress, when we're focused on our pain, when we're focused on our traumas, when we're focused on what's wrong when we're focused on how we are the most tired and the most stressed out and the most overworked and the most of all of these things, guess what happens? We continue those cycles, we continue to be those things because we are getting something out of that experience of reliving that over and over and over. There's something about that that's feeding us. And so I guess what I'm feeling now is that maybe I want to be fed with some different fuel. Maybe I want to start focusing more of my energy on not running so fast, not wearing myself completely to the bone, not exhausting myself body, mind and spirit and thinking that somehow that equals success. Because in the world's view, the accolades and the triumphs that we obtain that way sometimes do equals success, but Success to me is starting to mean something to you upfront. It's starting to mean the ability to create, to explore, to discover, to follow my curiosity, to do the things that bring me joy, to do the things that light up the eyes of people that I love to do the basics of self care that get neglected sometimes while running, running, running and trying to win all those wars out there. Sometimes we neglect just basics of self care, basics of relationship care, basics of humanity get lost sometimes in waging the wars and the races for approval, and the wars and the races for achievement. Sometimes, we might win, but actually lose the things that matter most. Even when I was dancing and doing dance competitions, I couldn't really muster a whole lot of competitive spirit anymore. I saw them more as a chance to measure my own improvement against my own self. I had a chance to have a lot of fun. So I think somewhere along the line, I lost my badass edge. And you know what? I'm okay with it. Now. This new chapter head feels more deliberate for me more peaceful, more grounded, more joyful. I'll happily pass the bad ass badge on to somebody else that wants it. You're gonna be able to find me cutting around in my garden. Have a great day, everybody. Thank you for joining me today on the joy Felicity podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and share and come follow me on all major social media sites at Joy Felicity or on my website, Joy felicity.com. You can follow the link in the description for this episode to all of the places that we can connect. Have a great day everybody and remember, dare to dream. Plan to play live to learn