When you're caught up in the stress of the hustle and day-to-day living, it's not always as simple as just deciding to slow down. Sometimes it takes a shift in your entire way of thinking.
It all begins with truly defining your deepest value system, which is not necessarily as straightforward of a question as it seems.
Please like and subscribe here and also visit my links page to see all of the other places we can connect https://www.joyfulicity.com/links
When you're caught up in the stress of the hustle and day-to-day living, it's not always as simple as just deciding to slow down. Sometimes it takes a shift in your entire way of thinking.
It all begins with truly defining your deepest value system, which is not necessarily as straightforward of a question as it seems.
Please like and subscribe here and also visit my links page to see all of the other places we can connect https://www.joyfulicity.com/links
When you're caught up in the stress of the hustle and day to day living, it's not always as simple as just deciding to slow down. Sometimes it takes a shift in your entire way of thinking. Welcome to the joy Felicity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Wakefield. So I was pondering life today, as I often do in the early mornings. And I had an interesting insight come to me that I wanted to share with you, because I've learned over time that if there's something that I learned that applies to me, that there's other people out there that are also struggling with the same things that might gain from that insight as well. In the past several years, I've been struggling a lot with stress. And with fighting against this hustle energy in our society. We're busy, busy, busy, we're multitasking, we're running as fast as we can. And what's lacking in our lives. Now, because of that, often is time for close relationships, time for passions and hobbies, time for the things that make living worth living. Those things get pushed aside in the hustle to make more money to be successful, to look good online, or whatever else it is that we're striving for. And our society seems to almost celebrate that hustle energy, it's seen as driven and goal oriented and powerful. But as I'm aging, I'm starting to realize that success means something different to me. what success means to me now isn't anything that would be an outward appearance to anybody else. But it's having those relationships on solid ground having a centered and grounded spirituality in my life, lots of other things. But that's for another podcast. But what I realized today is that I've been going about this whole hustle energy resistance the wrong way, I have been attributing a lot of the stress to outward things, like for instance, it's this particular career path is so fraught with the hustle energy that if I continue to do that, or if I quit that, then I won't have that anymore. If I change my life in XYZ ways, then I will change that. And to some extent, that's true, there are career paths, there are relationships, there are different things in our lives that perhaps can increase. That sense of urgency and stress in our lives, and walking away from those sometimes can actually root them out. But what I realized this morning, was that most of the problem, however, doesn't come from an external source. It doesn't come from a particular job, a particular person, a particular place that we live, it doesn't come from any of that it comes from something going on deep down inside of us. So it would be easy to think, for instance, a couple of examples, that living in the hustle and bustle of New York City is of course going to be more of that energy, then if you live in a small, provincial town. That seems logical, right? There's just more people more activity, more pressure in the big city. But actually, I bet if you looked around, you would discover that there are people living fairly low key Zen lives in New York City and people living in a lot of that stress energy in that small little town. How can that be? Right? Because deep down inside of us is where that stressful energy is coming from. Often because of life experiences that have happened. I think a lot of mine began with some massive financial reversals that very much happened because of things that were beyond my control. But still they happened and as a single mother of a large family with suddenly shaky finances. That became a massive priority in my life, something that caused an immense amount of fear, how will I pay the bills? How will I take care of the kids. And over time, that fear grew into almost an obsessive place where it became the first and foremost thing that I thought about every day. And it wasn't because I value money above all else it was because I value my family and providing for them. But there's this uncomfortable thing that starts to happen depending on where we put our focus, that that focus tends to start dominating our attention, which starts changing our behavior and the next thing we know it becomes our underlying value system and we don't even know how that happened. So somewhere along the way, rather than valuing my family and taking care of them, my value became, how much money can I make now, because I am the provider, those things are all very intertwined. So none of these are simple questions. And it's not about shaming yourself or anything like that, or looking at other people's choices and judging them, it's about trying to understand where the hustle energy began, where the stress began, because we can't unwind it until we understand its origins. And until we understand what's driving it, we can make massive changes. For instance, maybe you can have someone that is working on Wall Street in the stock market, and finds themselves burning out having health problems, stress related divorce, all kinds of things that often come back to stress. And realizing I need to make a change, I need to get out of this kind of energy, and I need to slow my life down. That's what we always think I need to slow down. And that makes a lot of sense to us. Except what often happens, if we just simply take steps to slow down, but we bring all of that underlying energy with us inside of our being, all we're going to do is recreate the same problem in a different form. So that stockbroker that decided this life is too stressful, it's because I'm a stockbroker in New York City, I need to change my life moves to this small town, and tries to pursue let's do something so completely different. Crocheting. This is a passion this person has had is for crocheting, and I'm going to slow down now and sit on my front porch and crochet because that's what I enjoy. And that lasts for just a little while, and the stress starts to dissipate. But after a very short time, with all of that underneath inside of this person. They're looking at this crochet passion and hobby and trying to decide, well, how can I make money out of this? How can I monetize this, and next thing, you know, they've turned it into a business, and they're expanding, and they've got employees and all of this stuff, and, and they're running the best crochet business on the internet, and shipping to multiple countries, and they're right back into stress, and they don't know how it happened. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of those choices. Some people thrive in the hustle energy, some people thrive in the stressful energy, they enjoy it, they love it. And in those cases, that's totally fine. There's nothing wrong with growth and expansion. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that underlying stressful feeling that sticks itself in your gut, that causes minor panic attacks, or sometimes major ones throughout your day that makes you feel unfulfilled, that's pulling you away from the things that matter most to you. That's what I'm talking about is to those people that are feeling those feelings, like life doesn't have much meaning anymore. I'm just a hamster on a wheel chasing after things. And I don't even remember why anymore. I need to make a change, I need to slow down your body, mind and soul tell you that all the time. But you don't know how because every time you try, you just find yourself right back in that energy, no matter where you go, or what you do or who you're with. And there comes a point in time and this was my revelation to myself this morning just to call my own self out on this. I'm in the process now of moving down to Florida, to slow my life down. And to choose a life that's more passion centered, and not so hustle, energy driven. But what I realized this morning, is that I could go down there and find myself basically recreating the same life and the same energy just in a new town. If I'm not very conscious and very deliberate about the choices that I make once I get there. And furthermore, to take that one step further, I could make those choices right here where I am now. There's other reasons why I also still want to move down to the beach, but moving to the beach, changing careers, ending a relationship, those things in and of themselves are not going to solve the problem unless we come to understand what's going on inside of us. Because wherever we go and we're whoever we're with, we're the common denominator, we are the factor and we will still be there. So we have to look inside of us. The Hustle isn't about a particular job. It's about a mindset that makes that job the most important thing in life. It's not about making money or not making money. It's not more noble to not make money is more about your relationship with money, does money become the most important thing in life and the thing that you think about and nurture the most, it's not about that person that brings that side out of you, there are people like that. And sometimes we do have to make choices about who we surround ourselves with. But again, ending a particular relationship in and of itself isn't going to solve the hustle problem, if the hustle is coming from inside of you. So what will solve this, if you are living again, I want to emphasize if you're living that hustle life, and you're in sales, and you're all this and you are loving it and thriving, and enjoying your life, carry on, that's wonderful. There are just times in life, there's certain people, and there's certain times of life, where that's very appropriate, and is very much what somebody should be doing if it's bringing them joy, and success in the ways that matter to them. So this isn't about that. But for me, I know and a lot of people that find themselves in their 50s. And in midlife, there is kind of a shift that begins to happen in a lot of us where we want to feel something different. Now we're tired of growth and expansion per se, just for the sake of growth and expansion. We're looking for more meaning in life, we're looking for a life that's filling our souls. That's nurturing our relationships. And we're not finding it in the one that we have, because it was created from a different value system. So therein lies the key. What is your value system? And that sounds like a simple question. But believe me, it's not. Because when you've been living your whole life, in certain habits and in certain mindsets, even coming to an understanding of what your actual value system is, can be very confusing. And it can be very frustrating because you think you know, and you'll if you ask yourself that question, certain things will immediately come to mind.
Unknown:But check yourself, you sit down with a piece of paper and ask yourself that first question, what is my value system and write out whatever's there. And then I want you to go back and read it and really ask yourself, Does my behavior do my spending habits? Do the ways I've been living my life reflect this value system? And if they don't, why
Laura Wakefield:is it because perhaps, we've been living out of alignment with our value system. And that's why we feel as out of balance as we do. Or the other possibility is that maybe that value system that you think is supposed to be your value system isn't actually your value system at all. That can be very jarring to people to finally realize that that that a creed or customer or tradition or way of being that they have been devoting themselves to when they really start to question it, they realize that's not really me at all. And we fight that because that is painful to realize how many years of your life that you've given to a particular way of being or person or place or thing. And it really isn't feeding you at all, and it doesn't reflect who you are. So then massive changes need to be made, often. But that's the beginning is figuring out first of all, is the way I'm living matching my value system. And when there's that underlying discontent, I would venture to guess that in almost every case, it's because of that, that the actions we're taking every day and the ways we're spending our time and our money, don't match that value system. Second, figuring out why. And then taking the time to really dig in on what that value system is maybe most of what you initially write is still true. But with some caveats, or with some changes, or some different things, because sometimes what our values are, when we're younger, have changed. As we've gotten older, our life has changed. Maybe our kids have grown up and moved on maybe we used to be married and now we're single or vice versa, life changes. Our basic values don't necessarily change. But the manifestations of them can and should change over time as our life changes. But what is your value system is such a fundamental question and not as straightforward as it may seem, at first glance, maybe we were raised in a particular religion that doesn't actually suit us. That's a big one for a lot of people or vice versa. Maybe we're drawn toward a particular religion, that the people in our lives are telling us is wrong. Whatever it is for us, whether it's, you know, maybe we were told that the passion based life that that we want to live was not practical and that we should do that. guess maybe it's a business thing that we were obligated to take over the family business or fulfill the dreams of our parents. Or maybe we chose our entire career based on its economic stability, rather than our creativity and the things that really in our hearts we wanted to do. We did this instead, because it was practical, or vice versa. You know, maybe we just fulfilled a very bohemian life and chased after that when actually our spirits demand a little bit more structure to be fully contented. There isn't a right or wrong in any of these questions. But there is a right and a wrong for you at this moment in time in your life. So I wish that I could give a magic answer to everybody. This is what you should write on your paper, under what is your value system. But I can't do that the only thing I can do is tell you that it may not be what first comes up for you. And taking the time to challenge and question not in a negative way, but more in an exploratory way. This is what I've always thought. But is it true? This is what I've always thought my political beliefs were. Are they that now? Or was that just what my parents believed? This is what I thought I wanted? But is it though? Or is it just what I thought people are supposed to want, or what good moms want, all of those things are so many voices speaking into our heads that tell us what our values ought to be. And we've trust them, and we believe them. And there's nothing wrong with that with paying attention and studying and following after the advice of other people from time to time. But truly, at the end of the day, ultimately, the answers lie deep within us. This is a deeply spiritual question. And connecting to whatever spiritual source resonates with you, as you're answering these questions is critical. Because it's not going to come just from your mind. It's going to come from someplace deeper inside of you, in conjunction with your mind and your education and your knowledge and all of those pieces of you. The answer lies deep within you, though, what do I most value. And once you've decided these are my absolutely non negotiable values, it can be jarring to realize that we've been negotiating all of them in our lives, and our behavior reflects that. And then deciding how are we going to change that maybe unraveling some of the previous choices we've made, and what are we going to do now, because I'm so dug into this life over here that I now realize doesn't suit my values, what do I do now. And sometimes it's something you can fix quickly, sometimes it's going to be a long process to slowly start to walk yourself toward that other life. But it can start today, because as I said before, generally speaking, as much as we want to feel like it is the job, the spouse, the place we live, all of those external forces are not actually at the cause of the discontent. The discontent lies with the values. And so we can begin to make small changes. Right now, wherever we are, and with whoever we're with. And what will happen. As we do those things, a lot of things will sort themselves out naturally, relationships will start to fall off. When you start to live into your values and they don't match the people that you're with, they will begin to exit your life and new people will begin to show up that are a match or those existing people will begin to see you in new ways. And if they truly love you, they will form a new relationship with you as you are now with an understanding of who you most want to be. So it's not always about walking away from everything. But it is about beginning to show up as you are and then it becomes a discovery. As tempting as it may be to just chuck the whole previous life and start over which in some cases, you can. I'm kind of doing that right now, in many ways. I'm changing my area. As far as career, that's going to be a bit of a hybrid situation, but I am making changes there. But I'm not obviously walking away from my children because they are at the heart of my deepest value system. So they're coming with me and I'm actually finding ways to carve out more time to spend with them. That is at the heart of most of what I'm doing with this move to the beach. The primary reason for it at the root is to calm my soul center and to carve out more time to spend with them. But the truth is, I can do that now. Right here. Our values begin today once we have defined them, just begin to live into them, no matter what your life looks like at the time. If you have a job that absolutely prevents you for instance as an example
Unknown:From being home to have family dinner around the dinner table with your family, and that is something that becomes clear in your mind is an absolute non negotiable for you, maybe that is just so important to you just start doing it, and you might lose the job. And that might be something that happens right away. But you might not, you might start to find ways to adapt, maybe get home for that. And then you know, put in an extra hour of work from home after that. Sometimes we can adapt, but begin to live into that value now, or to start taking steps to be able to begin to live into that value. That's very empowering. It's very calming, to even just start taking baby steps. And as you do that, continue to work with that value system in your mind and to try to evaluate it and understand it. Because until we align with what's real, in that part of our heart, nothing will feel right. And we're just going to take that same discontent and that same frantic energy and to whatever we morph into and change into. The magic isn't happening out there. The change isn't happening out there, the change is happening inside. And once that does, yes, there will be changes that begin to take place outside. But that's not where they began, if that makes sense. This was a subtle understanding that came to me this morning. And it sounds so obvious as I say it out loud, but they're still in my mind was something telling me that if I could change this, this and this external thing in my life, that that internal peace and calm would just come naturally then if I could make XYZ change, then my values would have room to grow. But today, I realized that I have it backwards. The values come first living into them comes first. The changes on the outside will come naturally because of that. Start with the heart and the mind and the spirit. All of the rest is just details of how we're living, but our values and our relationships. That's what living is about. Put them first. Have a great day everybody. Thank you for joining me today on the joy Felicity podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and share and come follow me on all major social media sites at Joy Felicity or on my website, Joy felicity.com. You can follow the link in the description for this episode to all of the places that we can connect. Have a great day everybody and remember, dare to dream. Plan to play live to learn